can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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