How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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