i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
two words...techno handjob
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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