If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
