Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
