The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
