she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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