I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
