Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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