Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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