tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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