Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
