When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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