My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize