I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
