It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
