Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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