Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
