There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
