if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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