Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
