I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
