my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
