the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize