I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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