i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
