Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
