Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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