OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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