I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
