Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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