I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
