Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
