I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
where are my eyebrows?
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