I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So vagazzling was a success
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
