i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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