I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
