I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
