...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
