So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize