Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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