apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
