I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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