and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I want a musical about memes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
