i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
