Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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