If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
