Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
