Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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