i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
