I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize