I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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