i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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