is your mom at the bar?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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