Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
