life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
