remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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